How To Become a Billionaire Online While Stroking Your Cat

Many small business owners have the wisdom to know they are always right. They ignore evaluating their successful path towards cardboard housing and instead focus on challenging reality with a strong sense of uneducated certainty.

In this article, we will lay out the most common step-by-step actions and assumptions of many small business owners, so that we, professionals limited in potential by experience and common sense, can stake out the same glorious path ourselves. Our hope is to humbly change the world for the better by following their example of building an online empire floating in a cloud.

So, pay attention and do the following:

Start with hiring the wrong people

Avoid doing any due diligence when you hire online professionals. Either hire an Indian freelancer you have never meet because he is cheap, and promises to have your site ready by Tuesday for $50, or hire a local designer with a three-year university degree in visual communication with no sales experience or understanding of conversion. This can do miracles for your bank balance.

Assume that all websites are the same, and in particular, take it for granted that the designer you pick also knows everything about Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, YouTube, Vimeo, SEO, SEM, copywriting, editing, animation, Adwords, conversion, PR, graphic design, and where your grandmother left her slippers. Avoid building, or hiring, a team; instead, rely on one person to solve your every need.

Write unclear briefs

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Presume the person you hire is a licencedtelepath. Just tell your freelancer that you need a website to be found on Google and that you like the color blue. In particular, avoid doing any research to get a clear idea of what you want. If you have made the mistake of hiring someone good, do your best to reduce their motivation by constantly offering your opinions through Skype, email, phone, and SMS at all hours of the day—provided your thoughts are not clouded by reason or data.

Accept your natural, God-given, divine gift as an inexperienced, untrained copywriter. Presume Moses himself wept at not having you available to assist with his stone tablets. Use your magic exclusively to talk about yourself, your products and your services. Nothing thrills potential customers more than having their needs completely ignored. Particularly when they can be lectured by your royal highness.

Presume all you need is a website

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When your website is up, everyone will instantly see it. In fact, aliens will visit from faraway galaxies because your website is the only one in the entire universe. This will of course take away any need for promotion. Like a self-sustaining natural force, your website will shine like a star—even though you might have bought it on Fiverr.

Expect sales to come instantly. Your bank will call a few minutes after launch to invite you over for champagne and caviar. There is no need for testing, building sales funnels, or even thinking of a plan B. In fact, take it as a personal insult if customers have not started leaving all their savings at your doorstep by the end of your first week. Anything less is just rude.

Conclusion

Start with hiring the wrong people. Follow this up by writing unclear briefs. Also, presume all you need is a website. And then, like magic, money will fall from the sky. If, due to some unforeseen cosmic error, you are not showered in gold, do the only thing any responsible person could do—blame everybody else.

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